Glenn Beck Thinks EVE Online is a Front for the CIA

Oh, and also that the CIA is actually Something Awful. It all makes sense!

by on 28th Sep, 2012

Here's one that even The Onion would reject as too blatantly ridiculous: American right-wing radio and TV clown Glenn Beck believes that Sean Smith aka Vile Rat, the EVE Online diplomat who was killed earlier this month during the attack on the US embassy in Benghazi, was actually a CIA agent, relaying communications to his fellow undercover agents at Something Awful.

No, really. Really.

While Smith's friends and family mourn and politicians try to appropriate the tragedy for their own gain, Beck has constructed an elaborate conspiracy fantasy about how Sean Smith was actually spending his last minutes on Earth:

And he noticed that they’re watching all three [exits]. What does he do? Nah, he doesn’t call the White House, he doesn’t call the State Department, the, uh, embasssy in Tripoli. He calls a gaming website. Which is the first thing I would do. I’m like, I gotta check with my pals on the gaming website. And he writes: “We’re in Benghazi. At a safehouse. If we get out of this one alive, I’ll let you know. There are people watching all three exits.” Gang... he’s not telling his friendly gamers. He’s a CIA agent. He is telling people – this is where we are, help us!

Right, because no real relationships are ever formed through games, and human beings never seek out the support of friends in a crisis. Beck's remarks are so insensitive and exist in such a bizarre tinhat version of reality that it actually stops being offensive and starts sounding like granddad's senile ramblings about the commies. It's a good thing no one listens to this sad, deluded old ma-- oh, wait. Crap.

"Welp, guys," George Soros, aka The Mittani, wrote to his fellow Goonswarmites: "I’m going to have to find a new game to relay messages from. Glenn Beck is too smart for the ole CIA."

On a more positive note, Something Awful writers and goons have put together a fundraiser to support Sean Smith's family in the wake of his death, and it has already reached two-thirds of its funding target.

Thanks Scott Jennings for the heads up.

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