Top 10 Funniest Patch Notes for The Sims 3

Whether unintentionally or not, the patch notes for The Sims 3 make for a hilarious read.

by on 30th Jan, 2013

Ah, the glory of glitches. In a game as intensive and detailed as The Sims 3 and its many expansions, it's inevitable that there's going to be a huge batch of errors. The world of The Sims however, with its intricate eccentricities, brings on a new breed of of bugs all on its own. The following are the ten best patch notes for The Sims 3, culminated from three years of updates.

10. Fixed an issue that caused Sims to leave their Toddler inside a bar at closing time.

Nothing says "bad parenting" quite like taking your toddler aged child to a bar. Unless of course you take them to the bar and then keep them out til closing time. Then you're a really terrible parent. Unless you take them to the bar, keep them out til closing time, and then subsequently leave them inside. Then you're probably a candidate for worst parent of the year.

9. Sims no longer get stuck when selecting the option to “Turn Vibration On” and then “Turn Vibration Off” on the “Vibromatic LN3000” vibrating bed.

Creating an epidemic of Shaken Sim Syndrome across the land, this bug would be horrifying if it didn't sound so fun. There are people who pump endless quarters into cheap motel beds to get those kinds of thrills, whereas in the Sims world, you can get that fun for free. Or at least, you could. This one is among the many glitches that Maxis eventually phased out of The Sims 3.

8. There are now stricter relationship requirements for WooHooing with Sims in the Sarcophagus

It's about time they put a lock on exactly who is WooHooing with whom in the Sarcophagus. Can't let the Sims have their simulated sexy times in a Mummy coffin with just anybody. That's supposed to be special.

7. Sims who are on fire will no longer be forced to attend graduation before they can put themselves out

Damn Maxis, that's gracious of you. Letting the graduating Sims stop drop and roll before heading to a graduation ceremony. Education is important but it isn't that important, geesh.

6. Sims can no longer receive the Wish to Make Nectar using Onions

I'm just gonna put this out there. Wine is nasty and everyone who likes it is just pretending. Nectar, the Sims version of wine, can be made from wide variety of garden items, from traditional grapes to Pomengranates, Cherries, and Plums. Apparently at one point though you could get the driving urge to Make Nectar using Onions, a disgusting bouquet that may be an improvement on the real thing.

5. Pregnant Sims can no longer "Brawl"

Doctors probably recommend that pregnant women never get into a fist fight. Which sounds pretty stupid if you ask me--regular people only fight with the strength of one person, whereas preggos have the strength of one person and a tiny baby. I understand why The Sims 3 no longer has the option for pregnant women to brawl. I just don't like it, is all.

4. Sims can no longer "Try for Baby" with the Grim Reaper

I'm really disappointed this one got patched out. Bangin' the Grim Reaper sounds exotic and fun. Logistically I can't figure out what would go where (unfortunately, boners contain no actual bone) but all the same, that's one weird notch to put on your Sims' bedpost.

3. Toddlers can no longer get fleas

This patch fix, made after The Sims 3 Pets expansion, is just nonsense. Every knows that babys and toddlers are the most flea-prone creatures out there. Why, you can't even take them to the park without them dragging legions of the blood biting parasites back home afterwards. I call BS, Maxis.

2. Fixed a tuning issue so that Sims now vomit at acceptable levels

This patch fix bears the question, exactly what IS an acceptable level of vomit? One cup? A gallon? Does it flectuate if your Sim is pregnant, or if they've eaten too much food? How did people even notice the vomit levels were unacceptable? Were the Sims vomiting uncontrollably like that cut scene from Austin Powers 3? So many questions.

1. When using the Fire Pit, Sims can no longer roast and eat horse fertilizer

You know, pixels are just pixels but this glitch honestly made me feel sorry for the Sims who endured this stinky feast before it was patched out of the game. Can you imagine pulling up to a warm fire and openly roasting horse manure? Do you even want to? This bug takes our top spot as the most hilarious on the merit that it's too gross to think about in detail.

There were so many solid entries for this feature, it was hard to narrow down the selection to only 10. Here's a list of honorable mentions: which are your favorite?

Reduced the urge for neat Sims to put away fire pits.

"Become Enemies with Child" wish no longer appears.

Prevented a case where toddlers were allowed to escape a lot and wander freely.

Sims will no longer get a wish to ask their husband to be their boyfriend

Parents will no longer wish to "See Sim Get Married" for their already married children.

Toddler's body no longer deforms when "Watching TV" after "Learning to Talk."

A faint line is no longer visible on the heads of babies.

Sims who run into obstacles placed directly in front of them, no longer get stuck.

Non-Kleptomaniac Sims will not take and put away portable fire pits that belong to community lots.

Only one Grim Reaper will appear on a lot where more than one death has occurred.

Sims can no longer perform mean socials to children.

Child and Teen Sims will not autonomously sit down in the street to do homework.

Swimming Sims no longer walk on water after The Sims™ 3 is updated.

Fixed a bug that could cause mummies cured of their mummy status to retain the mummy walk style.

Sims can no longer travel with Sims who are in jail.

Tourist NPCs can now be impregnated.

Mummies can no longer learn songs. Their vocal chords have deteriorated leaving them mute.

A change was made so that desks do not burn anymore.

Dead relatives will no longer appear alive in your Sims’ family trees while traveling to Egypt, China, or France

Sims will no longer walk on water to view paintings placed on swimming pool walls

Kleptomaniac Sims are no longer able to steal the holes created by the Miner invention

The wish to “Skinny Dip with Simbot” will no longer occur.

Sims will no longer receive a wish to “Skinny Dip” with Mummies.

Baby Sims will no longer become stuck on a Sim’s hand while driving a car.

Baby Sims will no longer answer a call from the Callbox and invite Sims in.

Sims can no longer hang out with Celebrity Sims on swing sets before properly impressing them.

Stylists will no longer receive job requests from pets

Kleptomaniac Sims can no longer steal Subway stations from lots.

Top image from Fuck Yeah Sims Glitches, the rest from official Sims screenshots or the Sims Wiki. Special thanks to FlatLuigi.

Stories from around the web